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Flidderbugs by Jonathan Gould

Flidderbugs by Jonathan Gould

As Kriffle the Flidderbug investigates why his fellow ‘bugs find it impossible to agree on the pressing issue of how many points there are on the leaves of the tree on which they live, he finds that the truth is more complicated, and ultimately more terrifying, than he ever could have imagined.

Flidderbugs is a political satire, a modern fable, or maybe just a funny little story about a bunch of insects with some very peculiar obsessions.

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Doodling by Jonathan Gould

Doodling by Jonathan Gould

Neville Lansdowne fell off the world.

Actually he did not so much fall off as let go. The world had been moving so quickly lately and Neville was finding it almost impossible to keep up.

Doodling is an engaging comic fantasy which relates the events that befall Neville after he finds himself abandoned by the world and adrift in the middle of an asteroid field. Douglas Adams meets Lewis Carroll (with just a touch of Gulliver’s Travels) as Neville wanders through his new home, meeting a variety of eccentric characters and experiencing some most unexpected adventures.

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{Guest} Jonathan Gould

It is my pleasure to introduce today’s guest blogger, fellow Australian and author Jonathan Gould.

Why I’d make a terrible vampire

When Rebeka asked me to do a post for her blog, obviously the first thing that came to mind was vampires. Everyone loves vampires. They’re so sexy and suave and sophisticated. And they have this rather pleasant side benefit of eternal life. Seems like most people definitely have some sort of ulterior desire to be one.

I guess that’s where I differ from most people. I really don’t have much of a desire to be a vampire. And no, it’s not because I don’t want to be sexy and suave and sophisticated. Hell, who doesn’t? And I’m as up for eternal life as anyone. It’s just that I’ve come to realise over time that it’s something I’d actually be really bad at. I can think of a bunch of reasons for why I’d make an absolutely appalling vampire.

First of all, I reckon I’d have real problems with creeping up behind people and viciously attacking them before they’ve had a chance to escape. I’m far too much the polite type for that. I’m more likely to approach my victims directly, and say something like, “excuse me, could I possibly please bite you on the neck and then suck all of the blood out of your body, if you don’t mind.” I don’t suppose I’d have much of a success rate with that sort of angle. And even if I did manage to find a suitably willing victim, I’d probably spend so much time apologising for the inconvenience of sucking the life force out of their bodies and leaving them as an empty husk to actually get a decent feed out of them.

And this leads on to the second reason I’d be so bad at being a vampire. I’m totally squeamish. I absolutely can’t stand the sight of blood. Not a great quality for a vampire. For a start, I’d probably have to get someone else to do my biting for me. I don’t think I could handle it. They’d probably have to get the blood into a glass with a nice thick straw so I could suck it up. But first they’d definitely have to put some food colouring into it, so it doesn’t look like blood. And also fortify it with sugar to get rid of the taste. Yuch.

If this isn’t enough, there’s a third reason why the vampiric life is not for me. Vampires are always described as “creatures of the night”. As for me, well I’m more of a “creature of the day”. I do tend to get a bit on the dosy side once the sun sets. Here I’d be, creeping into the room, swooshing my cape, preparing to make a lunge for the jugular, then having to stop for a couple of yawns. Definitely not a good look for a vampire. And rather than going out to look for new victims, I’d be more likely to sink into a comfy chair for a bit of a nap. Then, once the sun begins to rise and I’m ready for a fun day – coffin time. Wouldn’t suit me at all.

So there you have it. Three reasons why I’d be a lousy vampire. So I guess I’m stuck being an uncool, unsexy, mortal type. I guess I can live with that.

About Jonathan Gould

Jonathan Gould lives and writes in Melbourne Australia and is a connoisseur of all things daggy (for those not in the know, daggy is Australian slang and basically means the opposite of cool).

He has written and published a number of ebooks which are quite terrifyingly unscary, although readers have commented on how frighteningly accurate his satire can be.

You can join him in his strange daggy world at:

Twitter @jonno_go

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